안녕, 할머니... Goodbye, Halmuni

Nov 4 2024

Yesterday, my parents and I visited my grandparents' grave.

Halmuni passed away early last summer. I missed her funeral. Actually, I missed both her and my grandfather's deaths. This was my first time back at the cemetery since she passed.

She had been battling colon cancer; stage IV at the time of diagnosis. At 89, her age and the progression of her illness left little the doctors could do.

In the weeks leading up to her passing, we were all mentally preparing. I knew it was coming when our family group chat went silent for days. When I saw the notification from umma, I knew. They told me it was a peaceful passing.

I cried over the phone; umma does this thing where if we're feeling sad, she makes us hyper aware of it. She would say things like "do not cry." "Be happy. Your halmuni won't want you to feel sad." But what's wrong with being sad? Can I just express my emotion for like two seconds?

That was last year. I had been so busy figuring out my life that I never truly processed any of it. I was all alone, on the other side of the world.

The cemetery is up on a mountain in Chun Ahn; a small city adjacent to Chung Ju where my dad grew up and where our family roots lie.

As we approached row H, where they lay peacefully, I felt the tears welling up. I was finally letting myself feel what I'd buried.

We set the jesa-sang, the ritual table with dates, apples, persimmons, and dried fish. Sadness washed over me as we bowed, and I watched my tears fall onto the ground. As the three of us sat together eating the fruits we had prepared, we smiled, remembering the memories we shared with them. Umma gently slid a glass of rice wine toward me.

I finally got to celebrate this wonderful woman who raised me: the one who would put my hair in a neat ponytail every morning before school, who spoon-fed me bites of kim-wrapped rice as I ran back and forth between the dinner table and my toys. My biggest fan, my role model.

It was the most beautiful fall day. As I looked up at the vast blue sky that you only see in Korea, I pictured halmuni and harabeoji smiling and waving down from heaven, saying hello.